Simultaneous Feelings

In my experience thus far in our marriage, this rarely happens.  Creating a tense environment of frustration and anger.  I was reading this week's chapter on Unity in our marriage prayer book and a sentence popped out at me.  I remembered in the first entry of this blogject, I mentioned I had bitterness in my heart against my husband.  "If something happens to one of you, it happens to both of you."  (p 128)  Here is where my tension levels begin to rise.  Since my husband and I began dating, anything that happened to me was my issue.  He really did leave me hanging.  I'm not bringing this up to have a husband bashing blog, I'm trying to figure out how to forgive.  I will not go through the bitter list in my head, one issue stands out far above the others as time passes on. 
Here is the short version:
When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in April 2008 my husband, our 2 kids, and a great family friend went to my doctor's appointment.  Obviously someone had to stay out with the kids.  I chose my husband. I know the obvious reaction:  how terrible I am for choosing someone over my husband!  Believe me, my husband felt the same way.  During the diagnosis process my husband practically ignored the entire issue.  The family friend researched treatments, doctors, symptoms.  She and I did all we could to learn as much as possible.  My husband ignored the idea altogether.  I was hurt he had no intention of wanting to be involved in my care.  So when I made my decision, I was doing what was right for me.  I had the person who would ask questions, who would empathasize, who would know exactly what the doctor was wanting of me to proceed with medications and care.  When the visit was over, medication prescribed, tests ordered we left the office.  My husband came back in the building while I was waiting in line to get information for my new medication.  Never once did he ask how things went, never once did he ask how I was doing.  He stood there, glaring at me, stewing over his anger I didn't chose him.  I was just diagnosed with a disease that could paralyze me at any moment and he selfishly stood there.  Obviously I haven't gotten past that day.  Since the day I was diagnosed, my husband still forgets I have Multiple Sclerosis.  He does not step up to the plate and help me on days when I am exhausted, sore, or some limbs don't work as well.  Currently, this is not a surfaced issue in our lives, after reading that sentence that moment popped into my head. 
I also need to remember something I've heard both in the past and recently.  A concept I am unable to grasp quite yet, only instead of being far off in the distance, I can see it's just out of my clutches.  I do not need to look to my husband to supply my deepest needs, I need to look to God.  Philippians 4:19 says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  (NIV)  I have not turned to God in a way I need to to help me in this matter and some others.  Clinging to this bitterness I have in my heart against my husband is not what God wants of me.  What I concentrated on in the past was how much my husband wasn't doing what God wanted of him in that situation.  I wasn't put first.  Instead of creating more room for the sourness of grudges, I need to free them from my heart and give that room to the love of God and and my husband.
To date, I have not genuinely asked God for His help in these issues residing in my heart.  James 1:5 "If any of you lacks winsdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."  (NIV)  Pray that I am able to ask God genuinely for His help in this matter. 


One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Put away dinner without being asked.