Peace Be With You

These past few weeks have been about peace for me.  My husband has also joined the quest for peace in our lives both together and individually.  Life is changing for us and we can feel it.  Surely not every moment smells of roses in light breezy air.  In these few days though, when arguments arise, we are both able to desire happiness and oneness.  We are able to calm ourselves quicker and help each other regain peace in our marriage.  A common goal we are working on.  I must admit, for a person who likes to argue, God is certainly showing me how the grass is greener on the other side.  I'm really enjoying the times when we are happy with each other, truly happy. 
My husband has expressed a level of frustration as I have stated in the previous post.  Yesterday he told me he was jealous of how strong I am.  I told him to stop concentrating on my relationship with God, he has the ability to attain whatever relationship he wants with the Lord.  Though he is aware of this, he had no idea where to start.  Remembering this feeling myself when meeting other Christians, we prayed together; an activity we are doing frequently.  A beautiful sight.  The peace of the Lord wraps around us, bringing us closer with each other and closer to the Father who brought us together.  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, loving, forgiving and gracious Father.  God is so good to us.

Communication without Words

I have a study Bible.  I love it, and think everyone should have at least one.  This morning I have figured out what to get my husband for his birthday especially after last night when he asked me, "How do you study the Bible?"  The question stunned me.  Stunned me because studying my Bible is becoming second nature yet my husband still needs assistance. 
In our marriage class a suggestion to spend time with your spouse is to give them twenty minutes of your day.  Twenty minutes.  We have three children and by nighttime, my husband is falling asleep shortly after they are.  I think I appreciate the quiet more than he does, so I like to stay awake God willing. 
I have noticed me waking my husband up in the mornings before his alarm goes off so I may get some shower time, and time with the Lord.  Why not use that time for our twenty minutes?  While doing the dishes this morning, I expressed to my husband how sorry I was for seeming confrontational yesterday morning.  Aggressive if you will.  All I wanted to do was make conversation.  I asked God to let me try again this morning.  The barriers weren't put up this morning until about four minutes before my husband left for work.  Four minutes.  Frustrated with myself yet again for making my husband feel berated, I opened my Bible.
This morning I choose "Communication" from the index.  One of the topics with the most choices.  Feeling the gentle nudge from God, the this pages rolled through my fingertips and stopped at 42.  The topic of discussion was nonverbal communication. 
The exerpt tells us 58 percent of our communication is nonverbal.  The way we say things accounts for 35 percent of our message.  Our words are only contributing to seven percent of our entire message!  Astounding.  Completely what I needed to see today.  God is showing me how yes, I want to communicate more with my husband, I need to be more aware of how I'm going about it. 
In conversing, we need to be aware of our tone, the wording and how we go about getting our words out.  In listening, I wish my husband would do more than stare and me and grace me with the occasional nodding of his head.  God will help us. 
Yesterdays conversation was more like an interrogation.  This morning's conversation started out well and quickly jumped to condescending.  My husband blankly staring at me.  Four minutes.  In four minutes I went from preparing to send him off to work, to changing his entire mood and talking down to him over pettiness. 
Pastor Jake explained in his message Sunday about having peace in our lives.  If we let the devil get our peace, he will destroy our relationship with God.  How many times do I get worked up over the small things and the devil taints my heart and mind like a drop of oil to water. 
I want peace in my marriage.  I do not want contamination.  I am being reminded more and more this week how much I am the contaminant. 

James 4:2-3  "You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives."  (NIV)
This verse is keeping me mindful of my prayer time with the Lord.  Choosing with care, the words I use and needs I express to Him. 

Though I feel no difference overall in my marriage by levels of frustration than I did last week, I have spent time in God's word, walking and talking with Him.  Peace and joy from the Lord are replacing the pungency.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope full you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  (NIV)

I am working to be more obedient to our Father and respectful to my husband by working out my kinks.  Choosing peace in my marriage over pettiness.  God is good. 


One good thing my husband did:  Got our sheets from the dryer and made our bed without being asked.

Reflection

After I wrote my first entry today, I wanted to talk to my husband.  Nothing in particular, just converse.  My intentions were well and good, my plan of attack was not well executed.  I was rushed and should have prayed before speaking.  Time was not on our side, so I jumped right in.  At a time where I was trying to make light but important conversation, I created a mildly hostile environment.  No, we did not argue, we let the thick tension between us harden instead of soften.  We did not separate angry as we so often have, we just separated on an odd note.  I should have been gentler with my words.  My husband suggested praying before he left, and the prayer was even cold and ugly.  There was no thanksgiving and love towards our Father, and because I was hardening my heart towards my husband I did not want to hold his hand and pray together and I wanted.  I sneered at his words to the Lord and apologized to God for the way he sounded.  I will spend more time with the Lord myself today in prayer and in his Word.  I look forward to softening the air between my husband and myself.  I cannot sit back and wait for him to do it, when I am most likely the main reason as to why we are in this tangled web in the first place.  I will look to the Lord for the answers.

One good thing my husband did:  Didn't run out the door for work, he stayed and talked to me for a few minutes.

Spirit on the Move

I have been able to spend more time in prayer and in the Word of God this week.  I have been able because I'm no longer making excuses.  Currently, it seems as my marriage is in the deepest valley since the beginning.  My husband and I are both working diligently.  I realized yesterday afternoon God had answered a prayer of ours from a few months ago.  As I've said before, we used to drink often.  We never seemed to have much in common unless we had a beer in our hand.  Lately; however, our hands have been empty.  I'm glad for our recent transformation, though I miss my husband.  We are slowly finding activities to do together.  Yesterday, we volunteered to be bell ringers for the Salvation Army for three hours.  We had a blast.  Laughing until our faces hurt, we stood and rang the familiar bell.  We look forward to doing that again. 
I feel as though the core of the blogject is deeper than I originally sought it out to be.  Truthfully, for the most part, I do not respect my husband the way I should.  Though I am working on it.  I know now this cannot be a completely one sided issue.  We have never been in this situation before:  assuming our rightful, biblical roles.  My husband is not sure how to take the reigns and run with it.  We are making progress.  Sometimes when he asks a question, I ignore him.  What he is doing is putting all the work on me and waiting to reap the outcome.  He needs to take charge, he needs to put his faith in God and believe God will provide him with the tools necessary to be a great husband.  Unfortunately for me, I'm so impatient and think this should be an overnight process instead of small steps of faith.  God is showing me how to be patient, loving, encouraging, and all the while, learning to respect my husband. 
I have missed being eager about this blogject, missed being on fire for the Holy Spirit.  No one is to blame but myself.  This week, I can feel the Spirit moving in my heart and I'm loving it.  I am now able to think about my marriage and believe again of the hope I had in the beginning of this blogject.  God is amazing.

One good thing my husband did:  Let me eat dinner first before we started ringing the bell outside.

Thick Fog

I have taken quite a break from this blogject in both writing and in my home life.  I have no idea what has come over me these past few weeks.  Here I am, ready to start all over again.  A proverbial "do over" as we said when we were kids.  This past week has been tiring; physically, spiritually, mentally.  Admittedly, I have barely prayed to God, barely spent any special time with Him as I so enjoy.  I would look at my Bible and say, "just one more thing and then..."  This happend all week.  One day though, I did try.  Everything I read made no sense and didn't apply to me at the time.  I knew in my heart my prayers weren't heartfelt, it was better than nothing, a start if you will.  When I was done with my "one more thing" I just wanted to sit and enjoy the quiet I worked so hard for.  The quiet God provided for me, opening his arms, asking me to come and spend some time with Him.  I felt ashamed for ignoring His invitation. 
I felt like I was losing my mind this evening.  The flip side of the coin was my husband and I were actually enjoying family time for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity. 
In our marriage class we covered a part teaching us how husbands need to pull their wives in closer when the wives are angry or hurt.  The concept is easy to grasp and difficult to implement.  Tonight, for the first time ever I reminded my husband and he obliged!  He kneeled down next to me on the couch, put his arm around me and prayed for me.  Just beforehand, I looked at him and confessed how I felt as though I have forgotten how to pray.  The distance growing between us was not only my husband's fault, but mine too.  It just took me this long to see it.  My husband has tried prayer this week together and I felt I had nothing to add.  He was right for saying he needed to pray.  I was feeling rather self righteous and didn't need our Father like he did.  Not only did I need him as well, I probably needed him more.  I turned my back when I needed to run in their direction.  I will work harder this week to bridge the gap.  I know I need to open my heart to the Lord and stop putting "one more thing" in between He and I. 

One good thing my husband did:  He prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. 

Half in the Water

The weekend was long and rough.  The end proved to be enlightening and a glimmer of hope glistened through the thick fog.  Once again, for the first time since beginning this blogject, I got to sip coffee with my very dear friend.  She helps me to see when I'm misguided maritially. 
I returned with a softer view.  Undoubtedly, I'm not ready to run into my husband's arms and go about our merry way.  I am ready to pray more, for him, for me, for our marriage.  This morning I began a fast.  I'm not sure how long this will last.  I know God wants to show me faithfulness. 
Exactly unknown of when it began, a strange feeling of being unsure has began clouding my judgement.  In my heart I know God can do all things.  All things.  What makes us think He is not capabale, willing to work on us?  God did not design my marriage to my husband to have it be miserable forever.  I need to contain the faith I know of, heard of, read of in my heart and turn my worries to prayers to the Lord.  He is reigning over my marriage.  Proverbs 3 I believe is where I will spend some time with the Lord at the completion of this entry.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5 (NRSV)  There is much both before and after that verse in which I need to rely upon.  I believe God is showing me my struggle is lasting much longer because I will not trust fully in Him.  I have given and taken back my worries from God's hands.  This week I will diligently work to build my faith and build my love.  Pray I will give my worries to God and gain a stronger faithfullness with Him.
I feel much like Peter right now.  I feel the winds and see the waves.  Last week I called out to Jesus, much like Peter asking him to "save me."  Jesus has reached his loving hands into the water and finally I have been able to see them through the storm of doubt.  The fierce, cold splashes of disbelief of how far God will go for us are calming. 
This is going to be a great week.

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Let me go out for coffee with a friend.

Feeding the Fire

The fire for the Lord, that is.  Yesterday I tossed my Bible time hiatus, and felt the embrace of our loving Father.  Yes, my husband and I are still distant.  We are both aware, and both desire the closeness.  I'm not concentrating on how he intends to go about fixing it.  I know I need to spend time with the Lord everyday.  I was thankful to spend time in my Ephesians self bible study yesterday and felt the warmth of the fire growing around me.  Today, when I am finished with this I will return.  I desire to get back on track feeling love and companionship with my husband.  Again, our God is showing me how I need to work on His time.  I told a friend yesterday how it seems if there is a deadline on something I am waiting for, it happens on the 23rd hour of the last day.  She laughed, knowing God is working in me.  Reminding me how I do not work on my own time.  I don't fit God into my schedule, He should be my schedule.  Involved in all my choices, all my thoughts.  God designed our marriage, He wants it work.  Clearly my husband and I have many lessons to learn from our Father on this journey. 


One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Worked a little overtime on a Friday.

Switching Sides

I think in a marriage people have two sides:  a close side and a far side.  Unless we as married people use the same side together, the close side, distance will occur.  If one spouse is choosing close and the other is choosing far, far will happen.  If both spouses are choosing far, far will happen.  However, if both spouses are choosing close, close will happen.  So many times in arguments or disagreements we want to push the other away.  I have expressed a desire to be pulled close.  We cannot pull ourselves alone.  We need a tool of some sort, preferably the strong, loving arms of our spouse.  Though my husband is aware of what I have asked for, I have yet to receive it.  I need to stop concentrating on why he hasn't done what I want, and concentrate on what I can do with God to facilitate the process.  So many times we sit and blame the other person when we are ignoring ourselves.  Matthew 7:5 says, "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."  (NRSV)  God is showing me I need to realize a few small steps does not make a long walk.  My few steps I have taken with the Lord on this particular walk has not made me reach my destination, though it has brought me closer.  A concept, I simply realized a moment ago.  A concept I'm sure which will take time to let sink in.  I will boldly endure this journey. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Sat with me and tried talking.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

But in a marriage?  Over the past week a deep distance has been becoming between my husband and I.  I'm not even aware of how it has happened.  The beginning of the week proved to be englightening for us.  He had seen part of my blog and was aware of how much I loved him.  At least he said as much.  One night we even read the Bible together.  Yes, it was awkward and I was so tired to get into great discussions or share much insight.  I thought it would be something we would work on together even slowly.  I think part of the problem was I expected something.  I had felt this would be a great week where we would take a small step in our faith walk together.  I couldn't have been more wrong.
The week proved to be a time to grow apart.  I have felt completely off synch with my heart, with my husband.  I made attempts to discuss my feelings with my husband.  Discuss not argue.  Each attempt frustrating, pushing us farther apart.  My husband would roll his eyes, sigh and pretend to listen.  I felt so hurt he was unwilling to work on us. 
The next morning I was distant.  Yet still containing the desire to move forward in our marriage.  I made small attempts with my husband.  In return, he got up and left early for work.  Not only was I feeling low on his list, I was now aware I was still below his work.  I sat on the floor, tears dripping from my cheeks, I looked up at the door hoping he would come back in and know I was hurting.  Wrong again.
I would also like to add, I believe this was the second day I chose not to read the Bible.  Somehow I still believe I can skip a day or two and nothing will come of it.  Wrong again. 
Not only was I feeling distant from my husband, I was creating a terrible distance between myself and God.  The fire I was feeling for the Lord in the beginning of the week was dwindling down below a low roar.  I knew deep down I needed to grab some time with Him and listen to what He was trying to tell me.  This entire passage from Galations 6:7-9 describes my week.  "Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for you reap whatever you sow.  If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit.  So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up."  (NRSV)
I'm not saying because I chose not to spent time with the Lord did he cause this to happen in our marriage, I'm conveying my realization of how quickly we are no longer filled with the Spirit when we do not recharge ourselves daily.  Had I spent more time with the Lord, He would have given me the tools necessary to push through another day with my husband.  The man God himself designed specificially for me. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Helped get the kids ready that night.

Give to Get

How many times have we not given to our spouse loving acts because we feel we won't receive it in return?  My husband and I have had this argument many, many times.  In discussion, I have told my husband what I wanted what I needed from him to feel important, loved, cherished by him.  In our marriage, I have been left feeling alone and needing him to come through for me.  Showing me no matter what cards we are dealt he will be there fighting with me and for me when I cannot.
Many are aware of the five love languages:  Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  My husband's love language is physical touch.  Not in the in the bedroom sense.   I remember not wanting to hug, kiss, hold hands, rub his back anything meeting his love language needs.  I felt if he wanted me to do that for him, I should want to.  Afterall, how could I want to when I was feeling alone, uncherished, unloved?  I believed HE should be the one to initiate the sequence of giving before I should. 
Reality is, somewhere I still believe this to be true.  God is showing me through is Word as proof and this blogject for my realization I need to give regardless if I'm getting. 
This leads be back to my earlier post of receving my deepest needs from God.  Asking Him to provide me with the tools necessary to be a Godly wife for my husband.  The problem lies, I want some of my reward here on Earth.  I believe becoming a submissive wife and respecting my husband on a constant basis will be rewarding here on Earth, and my husband will eventually achieve what I want in our marriage for us.  I also need to realize what I want now from him may not be what God desires of my husband for me.  I will remember to open my heart and open my mind to God's will, not my own.

Simultaneous Feelings

In my experience thus far in our marriage, this rarely happens.  Creating a tense environment of frustration and anger.  I was reading this week's chapter on Unity in our marriage prayer book and a sentence popped out at me.  I remembered in the first entry of this blogject, I mentioned I had bitterness in my heart against my husband.  "If something happens to one of you, it happens to both of you."  (p 128)  Here is where my tension levels begin to rise.  Since my husband and I began dating, anything that happened to me was my issue.  He really did leave me hanging.  I'm not bringing this up to have a husband bashing blog, I'm trying to figure out how to forgive.  I will not go through the bitter list in my head, one issue stands out far above the others as time passes on. 
Here is the short version:
When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in April 2008 my husband, our 2 kids, and a great family friend went to my doctor's appointment.  Obviously someone had to stay out with the kids.  I chose my husband. I know the obvious reaction:  how terrible I am for choosing someone over my husband!  Believe me, my husband felt the same way.  During the diagnosis process my husband practically ignored the entire issue.  The family friend researched treatments, doctors, symptoms.  She and I did all we could to learn as much as possible.  My husband ignored the idea altogether.  I was hurt he had no intention of wanting to be involved in my care.  So when I made my decision, I was doing what was right for me.  I had the person who would ask questions, who would empathasize, who would know exactly what the doctor was wanting of me to proceed with medications and care.  When the visit was over, medication prescribed, tests ordered we left the office.  My husband came back in the building while I was waiting in line to get information for my new medication.  Never once did he ask how things went, never once did he ask how I was doing.  He stood there, glaring at me, stewing over his anger I didn't chose him.  I was just diagnosed with a disease that could paralyze me at any moment and he selfishly stood there.  Obviously I haven't gotten past that day.  Since the day I was diagnosed, my husband still forgets I have Multiple Sclerosis.  He does not step up to the plate and help me on days when I am exhausted, sore, or some limbs don't work as well.  Currently, this is not a surfaced issue in our lives, after reading that sentence that moment popped into my head. 
I also need to remember something I've heard both in the past and recently.  A concept I am unable to grasp quite yet, only instead of being far off in the distance, I can see it's just out of my clutches.  I do not need to look to my husband to supply my deepest needs, I need to look to God.  Philippians 4:19 says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  (NIV)  I have not turned to God in a way I need to to help me in this matter and some others.  Clinging to this bitterness I have in my heart against my husband is not what God wants of me.  What I concentrated on in the past was how much my husband wasn't doing what God wanted of him in that situation.  I wasn't put first.  Instead of creating more room for the sourness of grudges, I need to free them from my heart and give that room to the love of God and and my husband.
To date, I have not genuinely asked God for His help in these issues residing in my heart.  James 1:5 "If any of you lacks winsdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."  (NIV)  Pray that I am able to ask God genuinely for His help in this matter. 


One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Put away dinner without being asked.

Polar Opposites

Not just my husband and I, but issues we take on in our marriage.  Some days when we are working on something together we really feel like two peas in a pod.  Others, I don't even understand how we are able to live in the same house without committing a crime.  Hard times have struck two members of our family.  These two members do not know Jesus at all.  Sure, they know who he is, it ends there.  We desire so much for them to learn to fellowship with the Lord the way He intended.  I am excited to be a part of this.  We do not know what our Father has in store for anyone in this matter, we are aware this is not only an opportunity for them to learn to walk with the Lord, it's an opportunity for us to do something together. 
When my husband and I began our marriage prayer class, a prayer request we shared was to find activities to do without alcohol.  We had found ourselves only having good conversations and good sex when beer was a component of our evening.  Weeks are now able to pass and we don't even think about beer.  Sure, an occasional, "boy a cold one would be nice" pops into our head.  As quickly as the thought entered, it's gone.  We are so thankful God has provided opportunities with us to have game nights, Bible studies, Polish lessons (an at home self study, we have let slide...oops!) we are able to pray together (still working on that), and study the Bible together (also in progress).  We live in a constant state of amazement and love for God opening so many wonderful doors.  Our desires we shared presented opportunities for us to glorify God on a constant, steady basis.  Of course this transition has seemed easy.  Psalm 37: 4 tells us, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  (NRSV)  God gave us exactly what we asked for in prayer. 
Not everyday is easy.  In fact, most days are a trial.  Though the transition seemed easy we have other mountains to move.  We need to work on moving the mountains together instead of each of us wanting the mountain moved, believing we can pick a side and just start pushing.  We need to realize, accept and put into play picking a side together instead of apart. 
 I am aware of the importance of being a submissive wife in our marriage. This transition has been the hardest on me.  I think I forget more days than I remember.  I am assured through diligence and God's rock-like faithfullness in me, my practices will become permanent. 
Our pastor's message on Sunday also refreshed me, aiding the sureness of small steps not leaps of faith. 
I thank the Lord for this opportunity to even realize what is happening to us. We are able to give Him thanks for His works through our marriage.


One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Stayed even later at work to give a driving test, and meeting a fellow Christian in the process.

The Cat is Out of the Bag

Yes, he knows.  I wasn't planning on tell my husband for a long time what I was working on.  However, Sunday afternoon we were amidst a discussion and I practically felt God yelling at me to let my husband in.  He only read a few posts from the beginning.  I expressed how I was going to continue my blogject, and how I wouldn't be comfortable discussing it with him in the future.  By the time I cut him off from the entries, he was almost in tears.  His face was full of elation he was unable to find words to describe how he was feeling.  The only words which kept flowing were, "You really do love me."  Duh.  He followed up with expressing no matter what I said to him, or how I acted towards him, he really felt I was just putting on a front for him and pretending to be in this marriage.  Needless to say, I was shocked at his reaction and couldn't even understand how he could feel that way, when he knew of other issues I had been diligently working on in our marriage for him, for us, for God.  He thanked me for letting him into my personal world.  In the few days which have passed, he hasn't brought up this blogject again.  I'm greatful for that. 

Wardrobe Malfunction

Submission in a marriage can mean so many things.  I remember hearing the word Submission a long time ago and associating it with being weak, dependent, and having no feeling of self.  I was raised by a single mother.  A strong and fierce woman who could take the world on and never know her own strengths.  Though my mother believed in God, I don't think she ever took the time to really fellowship with Him.    Now, when I look back, it's wasn't solely my mother who pulled herself up.  God delivered my mother through tough times.  I remember a friend of her's told me after she passed away, she never had to worry about me with my future husband.  (we were married a few months after she died)  "Tammy wears the pants in that relationship, she'll be fine."  She said.  I ate that sentence up so quickly, I continued to reside in the pants wearing role for years.  I'm finally changing clothes.  What my mother failed to see was how much we need to be dependent upon another being.  Especially dependent upon our Father.  He wants us to need Him!  Matthew 21:22 tell us, "Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive."  (New Revised Standard Version)  I have not spent much time in prayer asking God to transform me into my role as a submissive wife.  Yes, I spend time in prayer.  Though I'm forgetting I need to take this to my Father.  I know, I believe, I'm doing God's will by desiring my role; yet I will not be delivered if I do not ask.  This realization may very well be what has been hindering my heart to follow the will of God.  I am aware of the trials, I am aware how my tongue isn't tamed.  I am now also aware God is longing for me to come to Him and ask for more.  More strength, more patience, more appreciation for submission in my marriage.  I am so thankful God showed me that night in the coffee shop almost a month ago the start of how he wanted me to be in my marriage.  In the beginning, I thought that would be enough.  I am so thankful God is unveiling slowly just how I am to go about this blogject.  I like tasks completed immediately, I am not a waiter.  God is teaching me through his will, the realization of reconstructing my words to actions. I am unaware exactly how He will do this with me, I am faithful he will be guiding my journey.  God truly is amazing, and everyday more light is shining upon Him through my new and growing love and admiration.  His Word is right:  "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13 (NRSV)

One Good Thingn My Husband Did:  Got up with our early rising son without moaning.  (And since I got up too, we enjoyed a few minutes of peace together)

Filling in the Gap

I attended a women's speaking event today.  Unable to remember the complete title, it was about doing too much work, not enough work, and when to rest.  If you know me at all, I do not rest.  I am a person who believes if I don't do it (regardless of what it is) it won't get done.  How conceited of me!  Am I that far above our Father in Heaven I do not have faith He will help me with my daily chores?  Certainly not. 
Arrogance aside, another key point (and there were many) the speaker made was reminding us to not intervene with the Lord.  It's okay and important for us to be sympathetic/empathetic of other people's feelings in different situations.  We may want to urge a situation along, feel it's our place to step in and "help" a person we clearly see is in need.  And it absolutely must be us to save them.  Though our Heavenly Father does indeed call us to help his children (and be helped), He does not do it for all situations right away.  For how are we to learn lessons, develop a stronger relationship with Christ if we have no true need for Him in the first place?
A marriage fits into these key points so well.  First, I have been made aware though I am participating in this blogject, I'm not always the team player I set out for.  I work and work and work keeping myself busy, not letting time for God to speak to me on a regular basis.  Sure, I devote time out of my day to pray and spend time in His word, the problem is:  I'm doing it at my convenience.  I'm not being quiet and listening.  I'm practically telling God I can schedule him in at certain times to hear him and absorb his wants for me.  Oh me of little faith!  Admittedly, giving up these habits will indeed be difficult.  I will need reminders so often the post-it's are permanently embedded into my memory.  I will have to come full circle with my goal I chose in the marriage prayer class:  to live in the light and Lordship of God in my everyday life.  Scratch that..my every minute life. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  played with our oldest son without turning on the television!

It's Only Skin Deep...

Irritation that is.  Why do I let it burrow and make itself at home?  Because I can.  Because it's habit.  I have no other real reason.  Thankfully my dear friend was with me last night and kept me from making too many (isn't one too many, though?)  snide comments.  Feelings of angst and frustration immediately wanted to fly at my husband.  I don't even have a valid reason!  I could have easily taken him aside and spoken softly and kind asking if there was anything I could do to help him have a better night.  Mind you, he was not having  a bad night; however, he later commented  about his mind racing and with the children playing loudly and nearby concentration was hard to come by.  Once again I was reminded of how our hindsight is always 20/20.  A cliche I abhor, yet have no other way of describing.  Tired I am of realizing how I am not holding up my end of the bargain.  Before retiring to bed, I learned from my husband my previously mentioned frustration wasn't even valid.  Please I was in myself to not act upon my feelings.  I understand it's a process, I'm tired of falling.  I desire to rise above and actually meet the goal I intended.  Though only 26 days in, the blogject seems much longer.  I will continue to plug away.  I'm learning so much about myself in this blogject.  I didn't see that coming at all when I set sail.  God is amazing.

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Peeled potatoes for dinner when he knew I was sore and tired.

Worship

I remember telling my husband a while back how I wished we would make God the center of our marriage.  Not exactly knowing how to do it, how to get started, or what it would eventually feel like, I knew what it looked like through other Christian couples; I knew I wanted what they had.
Months have passed and we are finally working on this task together.  This week's chapter in our marriage prayer class was about worshipping in your marriage.  Worshipping in our everyday lives, not merely Sunday mornings for our weekly top off.  How great it was to see in writing exactly what I was yearning for a lifetime ago.  How rewarding it was to see on print things we have already began to implement in our marriage!  In our class we have couples who have been married for over 30 years and a couple, like us, married less than a decade.  Great is the adversity between everyone in the group. 
The end of the class provided a task by the administrators:  to pick something off the list and implement it this week within our lives and marriages.  Previous days experiences proved which activity I needed to activate:  "Live each moment in light of the presence and Lordship of God."  Already a task I know I had attempted, already a task I know needed improvement.  Each moment, two words lighting up and flashing at me as I read the board.  Easily we say how God is in each moment of our lives, and even easier it is for us to forget in a moment of anger.  Each moment.  What a daunting task!  Rewarding it will be to implement, practice and make permanent within my life and within my marriage. 

One good thing my husband did:  Put the finishing touches on dinner so I could get everyone ready to go on our busy night. 

In General

I have nothing major to report it seems.  Excuses aside, here I sit lost with nothing to report.  I would love to say it's because things have been going exemplary in my blogject; however, I haven't seen my husband much over the past few days.  Can't fight when you don't see each other, right?  Well we know that part isn't true. 
I will work my hardest to recap our weekend, to free the cobwebs from my memory.  Saturday began quite well with us.  The morning was filled with fun, family time, overall happiness.  My husband even commented about how today was going to be a great day.  I agreed.  We even sat together trying to plan a vacation next year for our family.  A task I myself generally take on alone as he has no overall interest and I love to plan them.  A suggestion from our marriage prayer classes nudged my husband to sit beside me and aid in the process.  I enjoyed it.  He was right, today was going to be a great day.  Simple things began to escalate and were blown out of proportion.  I believe my husband made reference to me not apologizing for something, and vehemently helped us both to remember how in the past, I apologized very little.  Instead of immediately reminding my husband that was indeed in the past I told him two could play this game if he wanted to go down memory lane.  I don't know what stopped me, well I do...God in all His mighty pulled my words from my mouth and refused to let them out.  Praise Him!  For had they exited, a battle would have been fought much larger than the loud disagreement occuring in our living room.
I went outside and prayed.  I told God I wanted to stay mad, though I knew He didn't want me to stay angry.  At the end of my prayer I felt a big rejuvenated and returned to my husband.  He did not pray.  Later, he expressed how he wished he had. 
Overall, the major escalation stemmed from me saying something extremely hurtful to my husband I never meant.  I said it as I was walking out the door.  So while I was going outside to seek God's guidance, I still got my last jab in beforehand.  Not a practice I recommend.
My husband has a tendency to say, "I'm sorry" a thousand times too many.  When these apologies are not accompanied by actions, the words are meaningless to me.  When I do not apologize to my husband right away, he gets angry and full of resentment.  He wants immediate reparations.  He wants words regardless of whether I am ready or not.  He feels he can't move forward until he hears an apology.  I on the other hand, know I am sorry, and want to talk more and calm down.  If I apologized and didn't mean it in my heart, it's meaningless to me.  We clash here greatly.  We're not sure how we're going to work together in those instances, we just know it must be done. 
I told my husband later in conversation how much I need to feel important to him.  He feels his presence alone tells me I'm important.  I'm not trying to paint him as arrogant, I believe he has a tainted view of how marriages should be.  Neither of us had great role models for Christian marriages growing up.  God provides us with a great marriage manual, his Word!  We have no crutch to stand on when the word of God is ready and waiting for us at any moment.  Praise the Lord for providing. 
A great step forward was made yesterday with my husband.  I was leaving to spend some time with a member of his family.  I wanted to pray for her and share God's word with her.  Not something I have ever done outside of our home.  A big step in my walk with Christ.  I was both excited and nervous.  Though I knew it had to be done.  I didn't want to be deceived by Satan thinking it was okay to not proclaim God's power because I was embarrassed or scared of rejection.  I asked my husband to pray for me while I was gone.  "I'd be glad to!"  He responded.  Walking out the door, he looked up and asked, "Do you want to pray before you leave?"  "Absolutely!"  He said a quick and poingant prayer asking God to guide my heart and words and make my visit meaningful.  I was so impressed with my husband, and so proud of him!  He is growing in his faith!  No longer is he the tiny infant just beginning his walk with Christ, he is moving forward.  We are moving forward together.

One good thing my husband did Friday:  Took the boys trick or treating
Saturday:  Thanked me for joining them during more trick or treating
Sunday:  Took
Monday:  Took the boys outside to play
Tuesday:  Prayed for me.

Make Us One

In our Marriage Prayer class, this weeks chapter is about Worship in our marriage.  Many of us go to church on Sundays and truly believe one day is enough.  I am learning through many different branches how one day is not enough.  I'm reading a Christian fiction series and the characters show how God is the center of their lives at all times.  Not one day a week.  I took what I learned from that book and began implementing it into my own life.  I began to see results immediately.  I was including God into more and more of my daily routine.  Before I began reading, I was already beginning to spend time in the Bible daily (or at least try to).  God was showing me on a constant basis how to worship Him through my entire day, how to worship Him in my life.  In the "marriage prayer"  one line is, "make us one like you are three in one."  That particular line is ringing more and more in my heart and God is showing me exactly what that means to Him. 
God created us so we would worship Him in every aspect of our lives.  Society has shown us this is not the way of the world and we push it farther and farther from our daily routines.  As Christians, we know our God is not of this world, and we need to worship Him as such.  When we take the time to realize how big and powerful God is, we should stand in awe. 
The chapter also reminds us we should, "Live each moment in light of the presence and lordship of God."
(p 112, Morley and Delk)  Admittedly in the beginning this task may seem daunting and difficult.  As I have also learned in church about practice:  it makes permanent.  Continue to practice this, eventually it will become a permanent part of our lives.  Aiding us in our goal of worshipping God on a constant basis. 
Dan and I have probably fell on more hard times than good recently.  In the past, we would wonder why God would do this to us.  Blaming Him blindly yet harshly.  Since we both got saved a few months ago, we are now learning how God uses difficult times in our lives to help us be the people He wants.  We are learning we need to glorify Him in both high and low moments.  When we do this, we get stronger each time.  Building our spiritual muscle, making us excellent fighters in the Lord's army.  Spending more time in the scriptures, we are building our armour to fight the good fights and win. 
I won't lie.  We are growing weary of the fight and the struggles endured.  We have remembered more times now than in our past, how to glorify God, we can feel ourselves growing in strength and in faith. 
Worshipping God needs to be the center of our lives, the center of our existence, the center of our marriage.
Learning this has played a great part in maintaining and building a better level of respect for my husband.  I fall into old habits quickly, and God yanks me out safely before my head goes under.  God guides my heart and my head and mouth follow.  Ultimately this creates a better environment in our household alltogether.  My husband is not berated and beat down.  I turn to him, showing him I need him to need God.  He is learning quicker than I imagined, though not as quickly as I would like.  I'm also reminded it's out of my control.  God is handling our marriage. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  Thanked me for having his dinner ready when he got home really late from work. 

Old Habits Die Hard

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger, do not sin"  (NIV)  The verse rolls in my mind almost every time without fail.  A pleasant reminder whispering, keeping me straight.  Not every time I hear the words do I obey, though I'm working on it.  As I have said earlier, this week has been trying on our faith.  We are treading the waters, the current is strong, and yet our heads remind above.  God is good. 
Again, I have forgotten my extra project, and I will check it again to help me through.  I have not failed the project,  merely have I not done my homework.  I have wanted so badly to remind my husband we are in this mess because of him.  Blaming is so easy.  What I have done; however, is remind my husband to spend time in God's word.  I have supported him the way I am called.  The rewards are great.  Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answers turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  (NIV)  Before this blogject, I had my own pot of anger to stir.  I enjoyed it.  I would find a strange comfort in my anger.  Now, God has opened the pantry to my heart, and helped me make a new pot.  A pot full of love and support for my husband.  Witnessing his changing heart is amazing.  God is good.
My husband is very unsure of his new direction.  Like a child walking into a dark room, cautious and careful he opens his Bible.  I don't know whether he prays before he reads, or if God leads him directly as he opens.  I do know, when he is done, he has found exactly what he was after.  Again like a child, proud of his accomplishment, he beams and feels suddenly refreshed.    Head high, chest out, arms strengthened, he is ready to endure the waves.  God is good.

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  He did not pick at me when I was frustrated with him.

Taking the Reins

My husband is starting to lead his family.  Painful and exciting to watch and experience.  I have watched what I thought to be poor decisions turn into lessons learned.  Thinking it was a poor decision, and yet having no idea what the best possible decision should have been.  Maybe he was right?  God had been diligently teaching us faithfulness this week.  I must admit, I'm not a fan.  Watching ourselves fall off a cliff and not hit the bottom because faith pulls us back.  I have had faith in the past.  Not as I have now.  My husband never had faith in times of turmoil.  It was beautiful to watch him pull through and search for God's hands in the darkness.  Amazing it was to see him search for answers in God's Word and find what his heart needed to hear.  Our hearts needed to hear. 
I wanted desperately to take matters into my own hands at times.  So I did the only thing I know how to do:  I escaped from the family for a few minutes in prayer.  Confessing to God how much I wanted to believe in my head as much as I did in my heart things would pull through without my having a hand in the outcome.  Why are we afraid to tell God out loud what is in our hearts?  He already knows, waiting for us to speak the words of truth so He may heal us.  My time with the Lord is becoming so precious in my life, I'm no longer giving God what time I have left at the end of my day.  I'm giving him the best parts of my day, and in return my family gets the best parts of me.
Psalm 118:24 "This is the day  the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  (NIV)

One Good Thing My Husband Did:  He prayed and found guidance and wisdom in God's Word when he needed it most.

Job: Every woman's hero

I know I know.  I didn't blog this weekend.  I slept a lot, and spent some great time with my family.  I was also able to make some nice breakthroughs with my husband about sex.  Apparently I was able to find a sentence that worked just for him to sum it all up for women.  Praise the Lord for guiding my words!
Oh things have been so trying here these past few days.  Not with our marriage directly.  With our lives.  Pre-blogject and pre 30-day husband encouragement, we most definitely would have been fighting.  To our surprise, there was none!  Granted, there were times when the volcanos inside wanted to explode.  We let the Lord calm them and He brought us through.  He is still working with us, we are remaining faithful together, ultimately aiding us to grow closer. 
I was reading Every man's battle this weekend.  I happened upon a verse from Job, a man who should be heralded as a hero among all women.  That's right, I said women.  Job 31:9 says just the verse which worked this wonderful, faithful man right into my heart:  "If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor's door, then may my wife grind another man's grain, and may other men sleep with her."  (NIV)  He gets it!  What I have been looking for since I began this blogject; a man who understands his own needs as well as his wife's.  I truly believed no man existed, and God showed me otherwise right in the very book I loathe.  God is magnificent.  Job was a blameless man as many of us know.  I suppose what I didn't realize, was how he regarded his wife in able to be such a man.  Oddly enough, my husband did not even notice this verse in the book.  Imagine that.  We discussed it over the weekend, and he laughed in my elation over this beautiful piece of scripture.  A piece which every man should keep with him always. 
Our next conversation was on our way home from church yesterday.  Sex.  To put it bluntly, after five years of marriage, my husband is still very awkward in the bedroom.  His mother might as well be standing there in the room with us.  My feelings of awkwardness stem from his.  A friend suggested we pray before we come together.  Yes, I know God created sex and even that makes me feel awkward.  I know it's the right thing to do and I'm sure a theory I will be willing to test in the coming days.   My husband knows I'm trying out the 72 hour cycle business.  He knows I'm willing to work for him.  He also admitted to me, he rarely thinks of how well I am satisfied in the bedroom.  Standing in our yard, I confessed to my husband what most women joke about regarding sex.  "Sure we enjoy it.  All eight seconds of it!"  Whether you fit into that category with your own spouse, or you don't, you know exactly what I mean.  Laughing, he express how relieved he was to hear it was a joke among women and not simply his woman.  I proceeded to add how women most certainly do not receive the same kind of pleasure as their husbands.  Admittedly, my husband added how he expected me to receive the exact same pleasure as he was receiving in such a short time period.  Not the case.  Not even close.  However, we were finally able to discuss this topic without fighting.  Without my husband wallowing, unwilling to move forward with me, because he was feeling worthless.  Praise Jesus the ball has started rolling in a great aspect of our lives!
Admittedly, I had forgotten all about the 30 day husband encouragement challenge I undertook a few days ago. Only for a day.  I was pleased to realize I didn't slip.  I will partake in day 3's suggestion today.  Continue to not say anything negative about or to my husband.  If he is not considerate of my needs, I will talk to him in a kind way expressing I cannot do things alone and I need his help.  When he does offer to help, let him do it his way and not complain.  If you know me at all, then you are aware I like it done my way.  Part of the reason, in fact, of why I'm doing this blogject.  My way wasn't working.  Encouraging my husband is God's way.  I am excited to be a part of this. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did Friday:  Let me go to bed very early
One Good Thing My Husband Did Saturday:  Prayed with me when I was losing my mind
One Good Thing My Husband Did Sunday:  Helped me get the boys ready for an impromptu trick-or-treat excursion without any fighting.

I Really Am Glad

My husband left for work this morning, and as he's kissing the boys good-bye I'm reminded I have to tell him I'm thankful I'm his wife.  Without it sounding too forced, I waited 'til he kissed me.  He smiled and walked out the door.  As the morning has progressed, God has shown me I really am glad he chose me.  Sure we don't have the best marriage, it's not the worst either.  I have friends married to men who have no desire to work on their marriage.  Men who choose not to go to church with their families.  Men who don't know God at all.  I have a man who wants to work on our marriage.  I have a man who agrees divorce is not an option.  I have a man who wants to make us a better us-even when we sometimes don't know how to do it. 
The answer is right in front of us.  The Bible.  In the past, before I really knew Jesus, I never believed the resolve of current issues could possibly be in the Bible.  So many of life's unanswered questions are in print, right at our fingertips.  We just have to make the decision of picking it up.  Today I will continue with my 30 day project and not say anything bad about my husband, to my husband or anyone else. 
I really am glad he chose me. 

Clueless

My husband had no idea there were even rules for husbands in the Bible.  After he read them last night he apologized to me.  He had no idea.  I have expressed my feelingst to him, none of which have ever been regarded.  I have expressed how I am feeling hurt, neglected, ignored, and so on.  Last night he admitted me to me he ignored me.  He never even listened to me, he figured I was "just complaining" more.  He's never taken my feelings into consideration. 
I expressed to him how I have felt as though I'm not needed in this marriage, and he understood what I meant.  Over the past few weeks, I have learned my husband used to seek out other women to ogle.  Thinking it's okay to fantasize about them when he has a wife at home.  He has also expressed he used to do this.  Especially since he's learned how it can/has tainted our marriage bed.  A hard pill to swallow for sure.  My husband is it for me, why is it so hard to be it back?  I don't look at other men, and I certainly don't fantasize about them. 
In our marriage prayer class, our last chapter was describing the roles in marriages.  Already aware of who is in what role, we knew work had to be done.  I have (obviously) already started working on falling into God's divine order of families and submitting to my husband.  It hasn't been easy.  My husband, has yet to begin.  I am going to pray for him.  Pray he is able to find his answers in God's word.  Pray he will be able to lead his family with faith.  Pray he has the faith to lead his family. 
Yesterday, I stumbled upon a 30 day marriage challenge.  Today I have decided I'm going to tell him I'm glad I'm his wife.  I haven't decided yet how though I'll send him off to work with it.  Helping him start his day knowing he's in the right place.  That's an easy step.  I can do this.  He can do this.

One good thing my husband did today:  Prayed I would get some rest.

Billie, I'll take my mustard please

Already on my plate I have:
Understanding the 72 sexual cycle of men
Allowing my husband to lead our family---remembering when he doesn't it STILL isn't my responsibility to step up. 
Submitting to him, for him. 
I was of the understanding I was going to become rather passive from this project and the struggle began.  Sure, for a few days the idea was appealing.  God showed me there was so much more than just shutting my mouth (have you met me?!) and opening my heart to Christ.  Each day a new ball was pitched to me, I had no idea whether to hit it or wait for a better one. 
I love my husband very much.  I want the best for him.  He has no idea how full of potential he is, with himself, with his family, with Christ.  I love him so much I want to beat him over the head with his potential.
I can see it so clearly and I pray he too, may be filled with excitement at the wonderful journeys lying ahead for us, experiencing them all with Christ. 
I want to do this for my husband, for God.  I have just been in the bit of an exhausting struggle with life still happening around me.  If only I could freeze certain activity so I could have more time to absorb what I'm trying to swallow.  I know I can win this battle, not alone.   Afterall, I have me, God, and this mighty yet uninvited elephant. 

May I Trade my Elephant for a Mouse?

I'm tired of this blogject, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I'm tired of men, and I need more coffee.
My friend asks me last night, "how do you eat an elephant?"  She smiles, looks at me, and replies, "one bite at time."  I don't like elephant. 
Seemingly everyday since I began I'm learning men need more and more from us.  Yet I have heard nothing about what men need to do for their wives.  I've grown tired of this game.  I don't want to play anymore.
I don't like elephant.
I'm not giving up, I am complaining.  I said something in reference to women having to do so much for men last night to my husband.  I followed with explaining, obviously I care and plan to act upon what I've learned otherwise it wouldn't bother me so much. 
I topped my compaint cake with, "and women aren't even guaranteed their husbands will respond in a loving, endearing, cherishing way.  So why do we have to work so hard?"
I want to trade my elephant for a mouse, please.
I don't like elephant.

Heart Replacement

First off, before I begin...I posted another blog last night.   Just FYI.

Yesterday was turning out all wrong.  I was starting my new mini project, I didn't want to fight with my husband.  I was tired, he worked late, I was making dinner, he slipped.  I was trying to talk to him, and without even thinking, my husband accused me of being the way I used to be.  He dipped his toes in the water to test it, a pool where I would normally love to dive in!  I turned my head and began crying.  I'm an angry crier.  He walked away waiting for the aftershock of what he started.  I began praying to God asking Him to help me.  God provided exactly what I needed to move forward.  In time, after discussion and gentle nudges from a treasured friend, I kissed my husband on the cheek and thanked him for bathing the boys.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said that to you and reacted the way I did."  He replied. 
The entire evening all I had was the little mini project in my head.  I can't move forward if I am mad at him.  I can't move forward feeling this way.  Wanting to fight so badly, I resisted and moved forward.  I slipped away for a short time, prayed, and asked God to help me with communication.  I needed to tell my husband certain things and I had no idea what to say or how to say it.  I walked back into the house and God had already begun anwering my prayer.
We are taking a marriage class at our church.  The book we are reading is called The Marriage Prayer.  Our chapter study for this week was about roles in the marriage, following God's divine order in the family.  I had already begun working on my part: submission.  I have been struggling with letting your husband take the lead.  Before last night, I used to think:  If my husband isn't going to step up and be the leader of this family, someone has to.  Not me!  No where in the Bible does this idea form.  My husband is having a difficult time separating being a servant leader of our family with being a dictator.  Facial expressions, word tones, body language, all indicating to me he was very uncomfortable.  I prayed for him with him last night.  He was amazed, thanked me, and seemed as though weight was taken off his shoulders.  God showed me how to communicate what I wanted to tell my husband through prayer.  Praise Him!!  After we prayed, we were able to open our communication lines some more.  After we prayed God provided me with exactly the right words, the right way, at the right time for my husband.  After we prayed my husband knew I was lying next to him last night.

One Good Thing My Husband Did Today:  Bathed two of the kids while I was making dinner. 

The Night is Long

I wanted to spend the day in prayer.
I didn't.
I was too busy.
Pastor Jake reminds us nothing we do is more important than spending time in the Word.  I needed the Word and did not find it until evening.  I needed to spend time in prayer to devise my battle plan.  Being too busy left me vulnerable and weak for the attack.  A storm had built itself around me, enveloped me, wrapped me in its cold damp hands.  I wanted to deliver the final blow and God stopped me.  Frustration and tears building-I prayed.  Telling God I needed him, I needed him now.  Begging mercilessly.  Elbows on the counter, hands holding my tear stained face.  The temptation to jump was so easy knowing I could fall into God's grace later.  One blow of His breath and the storm was gone.  For now.  The cold damp hands replaced by an embrace of our Father.  His lighthouse standing strong, unwaivered by the storm. 
I want to badly to tell my husband how hard I am working.  I want him to take the weight off my shoulders and bear some of my load.  God has not called him.  My words would act as a wrench in this process, breaking the course God has set before me.
I will fall asleep in His strong arms.
I will be warmed by the Holy Spirit inside me.
I will awaken to the calm.
I will not fall to the enemy. 

One good thing my husband did this evening:  ate sour cream in the dinner I made and admitted he likes it.

Miracle-Gro On My Sinful Nature

Someone, "slipped me a mickey" and topped my stir fry with it last night.  A very dear friend of mine suggested my husband and I read every man's battle Every Man's Guide to... Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at at Time  I loathe this book.  My friend, when discussing this before we read it, described how it was written for men but it helped her to think of men as human and not pigs.  I can't say the same is being done for me.  She says I need to pray about it and keep an open mind, I say I need to pound every man with this book over the head.  Lo and behold, last night I began praying. 
I have always wanted to believe my husband loved only me.  Not even wanting to remotely look at other women.  After reading this book (it's certainly taking me some time, my husband has been done with it for a while) I've learned some upsetting things.  Women are objects.  Even wives to their husbands.  Not only do we need to make sure we dress conservatively outside of home so some other man doesn't lust after us, we need to still be dressing appropriately for our husbands.  Men are apparently on a 72 hour cycle sexually.  The idea here is that if a woman has sex with her husband at least every 72 hours, the risk of temptation is lowered for her husband.  He will not actively seek out billboards, ads, women on the street, as he is being satisfied sexually at home.  In fact, one woman claims we need to be that "release" for our husbands.  I am not a release.  I am to be respected, loved, cherished.  Another woman declared she even made sure her husband had her help when she was very tired, wasn't feeling well.  Reverberations of that exerpt had me through the roof.   Echoes of my response had my husband thankful he wasn't home while I was reading.  Laughing he responded, "I think I'm genuinely afraid of you right now." 
Not feeling well?  I don't care if you are pent up, why do you not care I am sick?  I can feel the rouge ascend my cheeks as I type.  Matthew 5:28 states, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (NIV) I understand marriage is a partnership. I understand we need to support our husbands.  I understand God is calling me to submission.  And with my best two year old impression, I want to respond flailing on the floor screaming, "but I don't want to!"  Though I know if we ignore our father's desires for our marriage, we will not flourish. 
I went to bed last night minutes after my husband, minutes.  I did not so much as receive a good night kiss, a light touch, or acknowledgement I was remotely in the same bed as he.  I can guarantee if I had uttered the word sex he would have been awake, fully aware, and ready to go.  Saddened, I prayed.  Prayed God would help me not feel like an object during this next phase of my project.  Decidedly I'm diving in.  We're going to give this 72 hour thing a try.  No, I'm not telling my husband-he'll run up and down the streets skipping with glee thus making this next phase bleed from pressure.  I am going to devote my day today for reflection and prayer.  Verifying this is where God wants me to go.  Though deep down I know where he wants me.  "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control."  1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)
This verse alone answers questions I never asked. 
1.  A husband and a wife do need to have sex often
2.  Men lack self control
3.  They will be tempted elsewhere
I am responding.  I said yesterday I would step up my game.  I am taking a stand for our marriage.  I want to complain more and have things go my way.  Past experience shows this does not work.  Isn't the definition of instanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?  I have tried to fix our marriage in every known way to me.  The results are still the same each time.  I do know, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13 (NIV)  Desperately wanting to give this mini project a timeline, I'm reminded of something I once heard:  if you want to upset God, give him a timeline.  Our pastor said something along those lines (which is why they aren't in quotes, I'm not really sure).  God is calling me to submit to my husband on another level and believe me I don't want to.  I want to be selfish and wait for my husband to realize he needs to care about me and my needs.  We all know, when God calls us, we need to answer.  I will weed the garden of my sinful nature, provide it with good soil, and reap the harvest from God in our marriage.  I will submit. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did Today:  He went to his meeting and bragged about my stir-fry.

Stepping Up My Game

I want so desperately to tell my husband of this mission.  Him knowing would ruin it all, it's most definitely too soon.  After a week of blogging he finally asked me yesterday when he would find out what I was doing.  I just said, "in time, it's too soon.  God will let me know." 
I want him to know for all the wrong reasons.  I want  him to know how hard I'm working.  So then, maybe, he would want to work hard too.  That's not how this is supposed to work.  God is working in
me because I am ready to let him. 
My husband and I really have few things to talk about with each other.  Vehemently, I explained to him how I will no longer be talking to him.  WHAT?!  Yeah, noticeably I did not pray before this conversation and all the words came out wrong.  I tried to calm down and explain my intentions.  I was not effective.  The end of the night approached, I was able to let God do my talking.  God helped me to explain to my husband what I had meant earlier, and my intentions were actually good.  I began by apologizing if it came came out wrong.  Calmly claiming he understood, I continued.  I followed, clairifying how God is working within me and I need to let Him.  The old wife my husband was married to before this blogject is disintegrating, slowly, and God is rebuilding another.  I continued by resolving I would not simply ignore my husband.  Times when I would love to give a piece of my mind  I'm simply going to, "let go and let God."  Who was I ever to think I could change my husband?  Noticeably, I had even admitted to this in the beginning last week, yet here I sit admitting I haven't let go. 
Presently it seems God is working overtime with my heart, and He may desire to work in my husband's as well; however, without his permission, God can only wait at the door to his heart.  I have to be the example and show my husband God works miracles in us- if we don't leave the answering machine pick up when He calls upon us.  I know, I am faithful, I believe in time our marriage will be a paragon for others. 
In speaking to a wonderful friend of mine yesterday, I explained how I was finding irritation in my marriage and I actually knew it was not my husband's fault.  Praise God!  For I knew I had slipped in the past few days, God showed me, in the first week, not everything is my husband's blunder.  I knew I had not worked as arduously as I first set out.  It was as evident as not spending time in God's Word.  When we don't do that, when we slip for a few days, our outward lives reflect what our heart's are lacking.  This, a new week in my blogject, regardless of how I feel my husband should be doing things, I will step up my game. 

Downward Slope

Oh yes, we are on one.  One full week into my mission and my transforming husband is reverting back.  Less than a week truthfully.  I am still remaining faithful this blogject is not in vain.  I. will. Perservere.  The immediate and easy metamorphasis I believed my husband to be a part of is now over. 
No I am certainly not quitting.  Yes, I was initially surprised at how quickly the changing began.  I now believe the Lord was showing me what I would be missing out on if I don't work hard and pray for our marriage.  The devil has been here the past few days urging me to not write, exibiting simply how easy it would be to revert to my old ways before the blogject.  I can't say the temption was never there.  Instead of giving in like I would have done, I prayed.  When these moments present themselves, I whisper a prayer to God asking him to push be back onto the right track.  The track leading to Him, not the track going astray.
It would be so easy to say my husband has been back to his annoying self.  The one who doesn't think things through, the one who puts himself first.  That was...before this blogject.  I am an equal partner in this marriage.  I could see myself slipping away from the worker so diligently intent on this blogject just seven days ago.  I am back.  I'm back with a vengeance.   I have sipped from the cup of a sweet marriage and want more. 

One Good Thing My Husband Did Today:  Let us decorate the house a little bit before going to get the part for his car. 

Leaving Sin Out of Our Anger...

I'm lost this morning, with no real direction.  It seems yesterday I was doing a great job blogging in my head. I think I need to carry a notebook with me.  I'm picking a verse and going from there, new tactic to attack my blogject.  I could feel the enemy hiding in the corners waiting for me to skip today.  Pushing aside any work God has done to bring my marriage closer. 
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin"  (NIV)  When we really think about that verse, which has been on my heart many days in the past few months, how many of us can say we are so aware of our anger, tempers, words, we do not fall into sin?  Certainly not me.  Recently I have been more aware.  I am able to listen to God's voice, hearing scripture from His Word leading me down the right path.  The path, in the end, I am able to glorify our Father.  The verse continues on and 4:27 instructs us to, "...not give the devil a foothold."  (NIV)  How incredibly easy it is to let the enemy in.  He slithers into the cracks of our hearts, infecting any pangs of doubt and covering our wounds in salt.  Thankfully, wonderously, the Holy Spirit is there, pouring Itself over the wounds in a moments notice.  God truly is the Great Physician. 
So easy it is to fall into sin during anger.  In the beginning of this blogject, I was worried about what I was going to do with my anger?  Why do we have anger?  Am I never going to be angry again?  There's nothing wrong with being angry.  Anger is a God given feeling.  How we choose to deal with our anger is what God cares about.  With all things we need to glorify our Father.  I am learning with God I am able to better deal. Though I cannot tame my evil tongue, I can utilize my tongue to pray and ask for help.  God is providing.  God is showing me a mere glimpse of a "new me".  I have liked what I have seen.  I will continue to work in our marriage with the Lord.  I will not let the devil have a foothold in something so precious as my heart.  I have given it to God, and God is sharing it with my husband.  Praise be to God!

For BESIDE Every Man...

Is a great woman praying for him.  I'm sure we all remember the saying, "behind every great man, is an even better woman rolling her eyes"  or something of that nature.  I'm not behind my husband.  God created Eve to be Adam's helpmate.  "It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:28 (NIV)  In the beginning of this blogject I had the wrong idea.  Assuredly, I had no idea what exactly I was setting out to do, but I knew it was from God, I knew it would be good for our marriage.  What I didn't know, was how much I would learn on a daily basis.  God truly is amazing. 
For a few days, when conflict would arise, I would find myself saying, "be quiet, let him be right."  That was not the idea here.  My husband isn't right all the time.  I'm not right all the time.  (much to my chagrin)  And what I'm learning everyday, it's not about being right, it's about being together.  Walking with God together.  I worked hard not to get angry when the evil one was diligently trying to push through new barriers.  I had no idea what to do with my feelings.  I prayed the Lord would lead me and begin to teach me about anger.  If you know me, you know I know alot about anger.  How to get there, stay there, and bring others there.  What I don't know is how to stay away, how to deal in a Christ-like manner, and how to keep others from going there with me.  I know all too well, "...a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)   Like a witch meticulously stirring her cauldron; there I was, brewing my pot of anger, ready at a moment's notice.  God has shown me this week alone, to use gentle words.  "...for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."  James 1:20 (NIV)  I've learned, when I turn away my anger, and pray before acting, God leads me down the righteous path.  When I embrace my anger, and want to share it with my husband---WOW, like walking down the dark path with ravenous wolves lurking in the fog.   What I learned was anger itself is not sinful.  God gave us that emotional response.  It's how we choose to handle it. 
Who knew this blogject would show me anger management, marriage counseling, and a better understanding of His Word?  Well...God did, but who else?

One Good Thing My Husband Did Today:  I said to him, "babies are not very forgiving when you are sick."  "okay." was his response.  "Thank you."  He even added.  I remember a time when he would have yelled and told me he knew what he was doing.  Praise the Lord!

It Was a FINE Fight...

That didn't happen.  A trying day in our household yesterday.  Truthfully, I'm not sure if it was the busyness of the day mixed with the lack of sleep, or day number five of being together without a solid break.  He goes back to work this morning.  I had to work so incredibly hard yesterday I didn't speak for much of the evening.  I went under, "if you don't have anything nice to say..."mantra.  I prayed for effective communication between my husband and I.  I prayed the Lord quiet my tongue and dampen my thoughts.  As time went on, I didn't feel so ravenous. Desperately wanting to crawl into bed and just bid au dieu to the evening - I was thankful our Father answered my quiet, short prayers and we made it through. 

I realized something yesterday through all of this, and today I will devote my time to the Word and seek counsel from a friend.  I now need to understand what the Bible says about conflict.  I also need to remember this blogject isn't about dealing with no conflict in our marriage.  Working to find a proper balance.  Working to find the right way-- the Godly way to deal with conflict in our marriage.  We will have it.  We need to learn how to deal properly.  How to deal in a way, in the end, would make our Father proud. Though yesterday was certainly a learning experience.  Like being tossed in the water and told, "figure out how to swim."  Since I'm not sure about a proper level of conflict and how to deal with it, I worked hard to have none.  To have none, I had to keep my mouth shut.  I had pray for strength and wisdom and guidance of my words.  The Lord poured his answers upon me willingly, graciously.   My husband and I were able to discuss many of our stressful issues calmly.  I suppose it's better this way.  It has to be, God is revealing all of this to me, God will teach me how better to act in situations like yesterday.  Maybe I did the best possible thing, maybe I did the second best.  I know this:  I didn't choose the worst.  I'm faithful God will continue to reveal only the best for our marriage.
Hooray for us.

One good thing my husband did today:  He did not dig at me when he knew I was struggling last night.  He waited until I was able to come to him calmly.

A Difference

Yesterday my husband said to me he was noticing a difference in our lives and thanked me.  I replied, "Thank God."  So he did.  He noted he was wanting to spend more time with his family.  I want so badly to tell him about my mission; however, each time that urge pokes its head upon my tongue, I pray God will ease it back down.  He will reveal to me when the time is right.  It's certainly too early.  I'm proud.  Proud God is working so diligently with me, with us, to move our marriage forward.  My prayer for my mission was for God to work on me.  He is not only answering my prayer, but answering the desires of my husband's heart as well.  I know my husband wants the best for our marriage.  Many arguments have stemmed from him not measuring up.  That's right, I said HIM.  Four days into the blogject, God has shown me my husband didn't need to do anything.  God wanted me to change.  God is changing me.  I'm certain my willingness and my heart's desire to be a better wife and better daughter to God and praising Him for his work in me, God is changing my husband as well.  In the past I believed if my husband would change himself, I would change after he did.  Certainly I was not at fault for issues within our marriage.  Amazingly, God knew my heart was ready to be molded by His hands.  I knew I was ready.  We are all God's children and He wants the absolute best for us. 
The Lord is changing us together in our marriage.  A mission I started for me, God has moved us closer and will continue for the duration our lives together.  A mission we are now both committed to and one of us doesn't even know.  I have not once pushed anything onto my husband, not once opened my mouth and demand he join this operation.  God has provided glimpses of a life we have both longed for to my husband.  Willingly, and unaware of my mission, he is following God, for all the right reasons.  Praise God for He is working

One good thing my husband did today:  Helped me clean the house without too much outward complaining.

The Woman YOU Put Here With Me...

Genesis 3:12, "The man said, 'The woman you put here with me-she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.'"  (NIV) Yesterday, I learned I'm more like Adam than I ever cared to admit.  All this time I assumed it was my husband not measuring up to my expectations, God showed me how I was not so blameless myself.  No, nothing major occured in our lives; however, surely some arguments were saved because I kept my mouth shut.  Chances are strong I will not always be so strong in spirit to do this.  And if you know me, you know how much I like to, "poke the bear."  I'm a work in progress. 
I really truly believed I was more like Job leading a (virtually) blameless life than my husband.  I was so wrong!  God has shown me over these few short days into my mission, how many problems I was causing in our marriage and I didn't even know it.  I would listen to the devil whisper in my ear telling me, "it's not YOUR fault", "you deserve more", "you settled for this?" and the whispering goes on.  I acted upon each evil suggestion willingly and without a doubt I was right. 
I'm reaping the benefits already.  This is truly better than one of those get rich quick schemes.  I know why.  It's not a scheme.  It's a mission directly from God Himself.  Our Father is holding my hand through everything.  He is filling my heart with scripture when my level is low and I want to go back to times before this mission.  My husband is seeing to it I am being taken care of.  He's begining to cherish me like I had always wanted and I'm not sure he is aware.  I'm aware.  I'm loving it.  Every time my husband does something for me, I praise God, smile, whisper a thank you to the Holy Spirit in my heart.  Working in me, changing me, helping me to grow closer to Him. I grow closer to both the "Hims" in my life; both the Father, and my husband.  Complete win-win situation. 
"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26 (NIV)
I know I would never have made it to the morning of the third day of my mission had I left God behind.  I would have fallen on day one so quickly, time after time.  Unknowingly, I probably have fallen. I have been blessed enough to fall right into God's arms and He puts be back exactly where I was, urging me to move forward in my marriage.  He designed it, why would he want me to fall and not get up?

One good thing my husband did today:  Fed the children a decent late dinner and didn't complain.   

Taming the Tongue

Currently, I am so aware of my blogject, I'm careful what to say.  If you know me personally, you know how hard it is for me.  James 3:8 says, "...but no man can tame the tongue...".  (NIV)  A hard practice to put into play, but here's the kicker-IT WORKS!  So many times yesterday I would have hurried my husband through a story to get to the end.  I would have told him his ideas were fruitless (I wouldn't be so colorful).  Instead, I smiled and looked to God.  I laughed instead of filling with frustration. 
During dinner yesterday, he decided to pray before I sat down, since the kids were planning attacks upon their dinnerplates.  I held his hand.  Normally, I would have stayed near the stove bowing my head and continuing with meal preparation as soon as I heard the, "Amen."  I held his hand.  What a simple act which says so much.  His thanksgivings to the Lord were more beautiful and heartfelt yesterday at dinner than ever.  His words left his mouth, caught a cloud and rode straight to Heaven.  I held his hand.  Absolutely amazing.  Praise the Lord He is working in our lives.  Many instances yesterday had presented themselves to us-I made consious decisions, with God to follow His way.  How different the result when we allow the Lord to do what He wants. 
Without entering too much detail (yes some aspects of our lives will continue to remain within our marriage) I had found myself frustrated last night as David, our middle son, woke up crying as he does every night.  Diligently working, praying for him he would find rest in his own bed, he finally calms again.  I return to the bedroom to find my husband sleeping.  Go figure.  Post mission:  I would have certainly a.) made some rude comments and went to bed and ignored him once I was able to wake him.  b.)  Completely ignored him, keeping my mouth shut, and starting the day on a bad note immediately.
Instead, God flashed Ephesians 4:26 through my heart,  "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,..."  (NIV)  I prayed for God to guide my untamed tongue to use the right words.  The Lord helped me communicate effectively.  My husband, before falling asleep again said to me.  "I had a great day today, thank you!"  I thanked him, also adding, "Thank God." 
"Thank God, " he chimed.  I went to sleep lying close to my husband, smiling at the Heavens, and silently thanking God again for everything He is doing in my heart.  What an exciting and blessed time God is leading is into in our marriage together. 

One good thing about my husband today:  He played outside with the kids without me.

About my mission...

I have been searching, craving, and almost downright demanding something of God to help in our marriage.  Any married person knows marriage is hard.  We see people deliriously happy, unfathomably miserable and everything in between.  We have to work hard at whatever spot we are in regardless of which side of the spectrum we currently reside.  Being tired of hearing, "you can't change your spouse", being tired of thinking I was going to be the exception to that rule, being tired of giving my marriage to God and taking it back-I'm taking a stand.  With God, from God, through God.  A wonderful friend of mine helped to show me what God wanted me to do for my marriage.  After burning my tongue on a delicious Mocha Latte, listing everything in the past seven years my husband has done to irritate me, I listed what *I* needed to do.  Get *over* it!  When we ask the Lord for His forgiveness, we get it.  Done deal.  Why is it so hard for us to return the favor to our spouses the same Grace we receive daily from our Father?  I realized it isn't.  The project starts today. 

THE MISSION:  Regardless of our situation, I will treat him with the respect he needs and desires of me.

TIMELINE:  Forever.  This needs to be a lifestyle change.  In time, I'm praying, it will no longer be a mission and transform to a reflex.

THE GUIDELINES:  It's a secret.  I have requested my husband bless me with time from 5:30-6:00 a.m. to reflect on my "blogject".  If the kids are up between that time, they are his responsibility.  He knows I'm starting something, it ended there.  I know in my heart, he will see the changes I am making and God will provide him with the tools to, in turn, cherish me the way I need.

MY DESIRE:  To be deliriously happy with my husband.  To love God more than Him, and Him more than anyone or anything else.  Yes, I am aware the enemy will test me time after time.  Yes, I know everyday I will not be June Cleaver, and some days I will need to fall into God's grace to get me through to the next opportunity where I will either choose God's way or my way.  In time, I'm faithful a difference will be seen in our marriage.  Both to us, and others around us.

Pray for me.